baa baa black sheep

4.06.2006

Menopause. Age 25.

9:45 a.m.

Earlier this morning I was feeling indescribably sad, to the point of having to brush away tears several times at work (and praying nobody would come into my office, because I doubt an "oh these damn allergies" excuse would be sufficient). I had put on five different outfits and felt disgusting and ugly in each one, the dog was being bad, I was running late, I just couldn't get it together. Topped by this heavy, heavy sadness.

I'm feeling better now, not quite so numb, and I'm wondering what the hell is happening with my body/mind. Lately I've been irritable, blue, sometimes angry...downright crazy. Hot flashes? Yes. Fainting? Yes. Crying, crying, and more crying? Oh, yes. Basically, I've been batshit insane. The last five or six years I've been on and off different anti-anxiety drugs and antidepressants. Cleared my body of those. In January I went off the sleep medicine. And finally, a month ago, I went off the birth control pill, after six or seven years of nearly constant use. It was suggested the hormones weren't agreeing with me, and I agreed with that. But after seven years of being pumped full of different levels of estrogen and then having it taken away, my body is flipping out.

At least, I hope that's what's happening.

I'm excited to be chemical free. Don't get me wrong.

But the medical professional told me I'd feel "a little out of whack" for a month or so.

A little out of whack = undeniably unreasonable, cranky, and difficult to live with? Apparently so. The Queen of Mood Swings. Bow before my terrifying power. Behold, I will go from sullen silence to excited conversation to confused tears in 5.2 seconds!

Bow!

Seriously, I have been...not quite myself. Out of whack. Very down. I've even had a few bona fide panic attacks at work. I don't want to think about the absolutely out of control sugar/chocolate/caffeine cravings I've been battling (I'm wondering if this is why I survived mainly on brownies, candy, and Mt. Dew in high school, which was when I was last pill-free.)
I've resorted to low-fat Safeway brand caramel rice cakes.

Let's just say that again, let in sink in:

I've resorted to low-fat caramel flavored rice cakes.

Shudder-worthy.

I get very frustrated with myself for feeling sad, when I have no reason to be. Generally, things are going well, Justin is fantastic, my life is good. Therefore I get angry at myself for feeling down (hence the mention of anger above) which only stresses me out further. I don't know what else to do, other than keep taking care of myself, and reminding myself I should feel better in the next week or so. I switched around my gallery work schedule, so now maybe I'll have time for a yoga class--something I've been longing to do since we moved here. Or maybe I'll have a better evening for painting.

I hope the hormonal dust settles soon, not only for my sanity's sake, but for Justin's sake, for the dog's sake, for the laundry's sake. At least I had a "normal" cycle without the pill--no extra bleeding. FINALLY. So I don't have to be as concerned over whatever dire medical condition they were worried about. But I'm not sure which is worse--the extra bleeding with the pill, or the absolute emotional insanity without.

It'll settle soon.

Stupid uterus.

Lurve,
black sheep

EDIT: 10:20 a.m.

Did some research. And, uh, apparently women who go off the pill after several years of use experience what some doctors call a "mini-menopause", which seems to last two weeks-eight months. Including hot flashes, mood swings, anxiety, depression, heart palpitations, acne, etc. Also, some women experience pregnancy-like symptoms. Which sounds like my fatigue and certain parts of my anatomy hurting like hell.

I love you, Google. At least I know I'm not alone. MENOPAUSE. DUDE.

I can't believe so many women put this shit in their bodies.

bs

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