baa baa black sheep



9:00 a.m.

Because my husband is awesome, and aware that I am lonely, he pimped me out to a young woman who works at his school. She came by his office today and asked if I'd be interested in playing volleyball with some other women.

My heart sunk, like a fricking rock, because, you guys? Remember that kid, in gym class, who was just so inexplicably bad at volleyball? The kid who was ALWAYS a) getting her glasses broken with the ball b) running into the net and breaking her glasses c) falling down d) MISSING THE BALL ENTIRELY when she served e) missing the ball entirely constantly and then later, in high school, f) losing contacts on the gym floor because she was still getting hit in the face with the ball? The kid with no depth perception? The kid who could never remember where to stand? The kid who tried hard and still failed all the volleyball tests and was picked last every single class?

That kid was me, and volleyball is my worst social nightmare.

I mean, really, all team sports scare me Mightily. Especially when assured that it's "not competitive." I didn't play sports in school, I was too busy studying and being in other extracurriculars and, you know, HIDING MY NON-ATHLETIC CLUMSY FREAK OF A BODY FROM ALL STUDENT ATHLETES. It took a lot of coaxing just to get me to play dorm flag football in college, and I'm still frequently embarrassed when I walk or jog in public. C-l-u-m-s-y.

And volleyball is the worst of all the team sports, because oh my gosh, am I ever ridiculous. I remember multiple occasions of being miserable just fooling around with a volleyball with my best friends by a lake. And I tried! Oh, how I tried. The thought of playing volleyball, with strange women, makes my soul die bitterly and with much humiliation.

Shut up!

I think my depressed reaction confused J. I tried to explain to him that this was like him trying to make friends by, I don't know, knitting. Or maybe cutting his arms off with a dull butter knife. So he said he'd mention to her that I was a bit "apprehensive" about volleyball, and I agreed to send her, the woman I've never met, an email humorously explaining OH GEEZ you do not even KNOW how bad I am.

(And then she will think I am Crazy, having never met me, and that will be nice.) (Because it's good to get non-athleticism and crazy all out in the air first, right?)

So we'll see where this takes us, yes? Hopefully not to a volleyball court.

But it might.

But maybe...not?

Oh crap.
black sheeped


Blogger Marie Green said...

Oh my god, do I know! And volleyball is the WORST of them all. I cannot figure out why anyone would play a game that gives them red marks/bruises on their forearms. Then again, maybe it's just me getting bruised, which further indicates my ineptitude because maybe other people don't come away injured? And also, I've maybe 3 times ever made my serve over the net.

Why volleyball? Has she never heard of meeting for lunch or bookclub or coffee or jeezus anything but an organized sport?

I mean the invitation was nice and all. And I'm sure she is too. And I hope whatever happens that you have fun and meet some kuhl ladiez. But damn. I understand. That's what I'm trying to say.

9:44 AM, September 05, 2007  
Blogger Mommy Daisy said...

Uh-oh indeed. Good luck with whichever way this goes. Maybe they aren't that great at volleyball either, so it won't matter. ;) Maybe.

9:44 AM, September 05, 2007  
Blogger Jess said...

Okay, I happen to like volleyball, but even still, I'm sure that this friendly woman you've never met will be totally friendly about doing something else. She probably just thought that would be a good community activity for you to get involved with. So if you just tell her you aren't that into volleyball or any sports really and would she maybe prefer to do something else, I'm sure it'll be fine.

10:13 AM, September 05, 2007  
Blogger CAQuincy said...

I will try to reassure you that MOST of the non-competitve women's volleyball leagues I've heard of are just that--NON-competitive. In fact, they usually sit around drinking their Tim Horton's afterward making FUN of the two or three in-your-face, competitive teams they are playing against! (But maybe that's only in MY neck of the woods?)

So yes, perhaps you should just mention to her that although volleyball isn't QUITE your thing, you're up for something else less, um, sporty. She'll probably be fine with that.

Good luck with your continuing search for female friends.

Gosh, why is it so hard?

10:29 AM, September 05, 2007  
Blogger Flibberty said...

Is this like bar league non-competitive volleyball or is this a bunch of former college volleybal stars trying to recapture their years of glory? There's a BIG difference. I've played in both, and one was super fun despite my lack of athletic prowess, and one made me cry. I'm sure you can guess which was which.

11:12 AM, September 05, 2007  
Anonymous Pickles & Dimes said...

OK, you should totally come visit me and I will give you a quick little volleyball crash course. (Because I walked around high school with a volleyball attached to my hip. My, I loved volleyball!)

Ahem. Or I agree with the others who say to suggest something a little less sporty. Playing volleyball, especially with people you've just met, can be intimidating.

12:23 PM, September 05, 2007  
Anonymous Swistle said...

Oh, hi! That was me, too!

I LOVED "like him trying to make friends by, I don't know, knitting. Or maybe cutting his arms off with a dull butter knife." Ha ha!

A good response would have been, "Oh my god, NO! But if you're up for ice cream afterwards, I'M YOUR GIRL!"

12:41 PM, September 05, 2007  
Blogger R.J. said...

You were a pretty good women's football player on our dorm team in college, no?

3:13 PM, September 06, 2007  

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