Post In Which I Use The Word "Vortex"

7:00 a.m.

This week has flown, absolutely FLOWN, by, and I kept making mental lists of things I needed to save in my brain to put on my stupid BLOG, but they are mostly gone. Gone, where pretty much everything in my brains goes to die. My mental vortex or black hole. Or cemetary. The analogies never stop!

Here's all I've salvaged, and it is not nearly as amusing/funny/delightful as the original list. Oh well. Deal.

Deal!

1. Baseball is finally OVER. Over over over. The championship games were Monday-Wednesday. Tuesday's game included a bench-clearing brawl AND someone getting hit in the face with a bat, but our team won. And it is OVER.

2. I got sick. I went to the doctor. They gave me some sort of mega-super-gigantor dose of antibiotics. Just one dose. Four pills. "Hopefully you won't throw up!" Hilarious, medical professional! Simply hilarious! I took them last night. I'm still feeling a little woozy, but I'm hoping the four pills killed whatever bacteria that had cheerfully set up housekeeping in my body. Be gone!

3. Why do I get sick so much?

4. Oh, right, I've been STUPIDLY STRESSED OUT and my immune system typically just sort of GIVES UP whenever I'm stressed. I hate you, immune system. You and your lazy attitude.

5. The other night I saw a bumper sticker. It oh-so-cleverly stated, "MY WYOMING HAS AN EAST INFECTION." I stopped, and I thought, "That. That is what's wrong with this state, perfectly summed up in a cheaply made bumper sticker. I can't say anything else, ever, about this state. Ever."

6. So I won't.

6a. Also, I don't really think in complete sentences. My thought processes are more like, "HUNGER." And, "PANIC." And, "GUILT! GUILT! GUILT!" And sometimes a more complex pattern, "WHERE DID I PUT THE CORKSCREW?! PANIC! PANIC!"

7. The house is just a complete wreck. An utter wreck.

8. But we're going to clean it. Sunday. After the art fair on Saturday. Where I will sit for ten hours. Hoping/praying to sell something. Anything. Anything. But I have my doubts. I would be completely delighted to sell 35 dollars worth of art. Just to get my entry fee money back. But. I have my doubts. (Any glimmer of hope that tries to feebly peak through is immediately squashed by the suspicion that people would rather spend their money on the food vendors' funnel cakes than on my paintings.)

9. I really suck this morning! Hilarious!

10. Justin's parents are coming. The house is a wreck. We have to board the dog. I taught the dog to dance! The dog enjoys the sounds of his own farts! The dog also enjoys picking up moths daintily, then realizing for the millionth time that oh GEEZ this tastes NASTY, and then spitting them out. And then licking them. And then making more horrible faces.

11. My boss, who is currently at the heaviest weight of her life at a whopping 120 pounds, told me yesterday how much she would love to trade body types with me. Also, we all took off our shoes and measured each other and put our heights and names on the wall. Also, one of the fish has a tumor.

12. It is disgusting.

13. This list is careening out of control, and I have to end it now. The exclamation points! The excessive use of the shift key! The internal LOUD TALKING! It has to stop!

Jessie Spano,

black sheep