I Accidentally Joined a Gym

7:17 a.m.


I keep meaning to post.

I also keep meaning to 1) do the laundry 2) pick up the house 3) buy some food, already 4) pack 5) play with the dog more 6) stop acting like a crazy woman. But, no. No! Especially not the last. I'm going to go ahead and blame it all on my uterus/hormones. After last week's hormonal drama, and a family breast cancer scare, and the onset of the absolute worst period I have ever had, EVER, I just haven't, you know, given a shit. In fact, Tuesday night I thought I was going to DIE due to cramps of doom (I didn't know they could feel like that!), so I was leaning more toward a "writing a will so someone good will inherit the cats when I die from my uterus imploding" option than a "doing laundry despite the fact that our dryer is probably currently a fire code violation" option.

This week I did manage to bitch a lot about my cramps, however. (Lest you think I was completely unproductive.) And somehow I accidentally joined a gym.

I KNOW.

I know.

I suck so bad.

I got this promotional mailing for half off a membership, so I called them to ask annoying questions like "what if I move before 18 months are up, do you still own my soul?" and "how did you get my name and address?" but within thirty seconds I had been roped into driving down for a tour.

The young tour man was very tan, with very white teeth and very slicked back hair. He also was incredibly awkward and was reciting the sales gig badly from memory. These lines included things like, "So, when was the last time you were in a gym?" (ANNOYED.) "Today is a new day! It's a fresh start!" The tour included a painstakingly detailed demonstration of every weight machine they had, regardless of if I had used one a thousand times or never seen one. "And this one works your pecs! All of these machines are great for turning that fat into muscle! Nice, lean, muscle! But, I mean, you look pretty good! Just if you want to continue looking good!" (SUPER ANNOYED.) Finally I explained that I'm a girly girl, and if he could just point me to the room with the treadmills and tv's, the locker room, and the room where they do yoga classes, we could move on with our lives.

And then somehow I joined.

I suck so bad.

There are only three gym-like facilities in this town, as far as I can tell. The university's, which I can not join because I am not a student and also I am not rich. Then there's the community rec center, which is also expensive. (I find it disturbing that I can not afford to use the community rec center. The one we probably pay taxes for.) And then there's this, a privately owned gym. The ghetto and annoying gym I joined.

I feel guilty spending money on things like haircuts and gym memberships. (Which is why I day dream every single afternoon about getting a massage, oh MAN, do I want one, to the point of drooling on whatever I'm working on, but never actually do. I am pathetic. My thought process: A massage is the cost of the gas bill! Or three bags of dogfood! Or my half of the cell phone bill!) But. I joined the gym anyway.

The cost is really the same as eating at the vegetarian place twice for lunch. (Kara, shut up.)

I'm going,

black sheeped

Edit, 8:58 p.m.

PS. Monk's costume came today. SO. RAD.

PS. #2 I'm going out of state for five days. I will see my sister and consume a lot of food. Which is fine, cause I'll go to the gym when I get back.

PS. #3 I'm afraid the gym membership is going to be a "slight problem." In that I will pretend I can eat anything I want, and it will be fine, because hey! I'm going to the gym!

PS. #4 Isn't tobasco sauce awesome?

b.s.