baa baa black sheep



7:27 a.m.

Justin's applying to jobs, as he is almost finished with graduate school.

I've been feeling sort of depressed for the last few weeks. It started to seem worse than my normal uterus depression when I started trying to hide it from Justin and everyone else, when I started sneaking off to cry so he wouldn't see, when I decided it was too much trouble to brush my hair before work. I think I'm feeling overwhelmed. I feel frustrated and bored and irritated at my job. I'm sick of seeing negative degrees on our thermometer. I miss my sister. But mostly I think I'm feeling out of control, that the future is completely up in the air and it will be months before Justin's job situation is settled and we'll know if we are getting out of here. (We really want to get out of here.) And if we are, knowing where we are going to end up. He's applied/applying for jobs from coast to coast.

So I don't know what's going to happen, and I'm freaked out.

And it doesn't help when people suggest, "But if you won't know for a while, you may as well relax about it." "If you hate the place, you guys can move again after a year or so. You'll probably have to anyway." Etc. Because I know that with half my brain. I KNOW that, and it is logical. But the other half of my brain is still worrying and thinking about it constantly. So much that I dream about it every night. The other half is screaming, "Move again? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SETTLE SOMEWHERE? Moving is HORRIBLE." It won't shut up. (Possibly it's freaked out because I've moved twelve times in the last six or seven years.) (If I counted correctly.) (And I hate hate haaaaaaate moving.) (And when we start a family, moving kids across the country seems annoying. Possible, but way more annoying.)

I just need the logical half to smack down the screaming, panicking half. With something dull and metal and heavy.

So, I don't know where I was going with this.

Just feeling a bit blue.

A bit snarly.

A bit anti-social, a bit withdrawn.

And possibly last night at work, when prodded to explain what was wrong, and I finally said, "I just think I'm a little depressed," and then the co-worker said, "Why would you think that?" as if I am an idiot, I might have snapped a bit, "Oh, I don't know, possibly THE CONSTANT SOBBING and OVERWHELMING SADNESS."

And by snapped a bit, I might mean yelled a bit.

I don't know.

That's where I am right now. Caught up in waves of hormonal wretchedness and pointless worry about the future. I sound like such a baby to myself right now. Wah, wah, where are we going to live? I have hormones. I'm soooo SAD.


But let's all focus on a new episode of The Office tonight, shall we?

Oh Jim and Pam.

I love you so.
black sheep


Blogger Swistle said...

I love your answer to the coworker.

10:46 AM, February 01, 2007  

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