Priority

6:54 p.m.

I saw the therapist again on Wednesday. It takes me nearly a week to digest and understand and wrap my ridiculous racing brain around a therapy session. At the end of the session (it's always something tacked on to the end) she suggested that perhaps I need to focus on thinking about one thing at a time, and completing one task at a time. I think this is partly a result of how incredibly twitchy I am there, and partly because I confessed that a) my mind is constantly at full speed turning over about fifty things stressing me out and b) the other night, in one night, I left the stove on, accidentally locked a cat in a room, realized I hadn't sent my actual W-2's in with my tax papers (idiot!) and realized that once again I had left laundry unattended too long in the washer. Once again, I had the stink of doom.

I'm pretty sure one-thing-at-a-time was a good suggestion to make. Not only for housework, but for the huge list of things I feel stressed about. I am feeling overwhelmed and depressed about trying to juggle: dealing with my job, housework that I invariably mess up, planning the wedding kegger (which, though casual, still involves planning), worrying about the future/feeling bad for Justin as he tries to finish up his grad degree, trying to make art, and feeling a bit maniacal about oh-geez-you-haven't-entered-any-shows-lately, idiot! I also miss my family right now, and don't see a way to see them until summer. Now that it's March I'm also facing the somewhat daunting challenge of getting the back yard into decent shape, since, you know, we're having that whole wedding thing there. It's hard to grow grass in Wyoming, and Monk doesn't help. So. Yard work! Let's tack that on.

Those are all the main things I'm worried about. I won't go into all the smaller things. They involve things like "if I tan before Hawaii will I get cancer?" and "I really really hope Justin doesn't have mono" and "should I be trying to lose weight before we go to a beach?" and "why does my period currently last two-three weeks?" and "I really need to clean out the closets because we need to get organized before we move and also I want more room for pants."

I decided, after rolling over that one-thing-at-a-time big over in my brain slowly and repeatedly, that she was right. This is all too much, and I need to get things in some sort of prioritized list or I am going to explode.

I started by refusing to do much of anything this past weekend (granted, I had a sore throat and headache and stupidly swollen lymph nodes for most of it, but I wouldn't have done much anyway. I swear.) I got the house fairly clean early Saturday morning, and spent the rest of the weekend watching cartoons with Justin, bathing the dog and the fat cat, playing with the video function on my camera, reading, and laying around. And thinking.

Here's what seems most important to me right now, especially since the wedding is only three months away.

1. Getting the wedding plans finished.
2. Getting the yard ready for the wedding.
3. Getting things in the house cleaned out, getting rid of excess clutter in case we will be moving this summer.
4. Not being stressed out--focusing on taking care of myself.
5. Enjoying this time with Justin, even though he's busy and stressed out--I want to be able to enjoy this pre-wedding time, this pre-children time.

Therefore, as much as it pains me, I'm going to put worrying about art shows on the back burner for the next three months. I'll still try to get some drawing done, but I refuse to feel guilty about the three big canvases in my studio. Instead I'm going to spend my weekends working on the yard, when weather permits (which I actually enjoy, and the fresh air and activity will be good for me, right?) and getting some things in the house taken care of. These things will make me feel better, I think, and will make it easier to sell the house and move. Hopefully the rest of the wedding stuff won't be too bad--I still have to figure out this wedding cupcake thing, the other food, the guest list, and we're going to make our own invitations. And Justin needs clothes. But that's very do-able. And then, if it takes less weekend time than I think it will, maybe I'll have time to do some painting.

I feel as if it is in a way shallow, to put art on the back burner for now. But my peace of mind, I think, is important. And I don't want to make lazy art because I am worrying about other things. The guilt is there a little, and I think other artists would be all, "Oh geez, you're not painting because you're planning a wedding?!" But I can't worry about that. I need to get through these next three or four months without having a breakdown. And making a conscious decision to put it aside, since it is best for me and my art, is much better than trying to continue with it, and failing, and ignoring my paints and feeling even more guilty and then panicking because I'm ignoring it.

I don't know how to stop worrying about the future, worrying about if we are moving or not, and where, but I can't do anything about it. I think I need to try some meditating. Or something. The therapist suggested meditation and I was all, "I always get stressed out and panic when I try to meditate because I start thinking that as long as I am sitting here I should solve some of these problems I am stressing about, and then it gets out of control and the next thing I know I am trying to find a bill from 2002 that I'm not sure if I paid or not!"

She laughed a lot.

But. I can try again.

I feel better about the big list. Maybe now I need to make a "little things" list. And check things off.

One at a time.

Happy Monday,
black sheeped