baa baa black sheep

10.02.2007

Hopes

I've been really busy/tired the last few days. Not feeling very write-y, you know? Feeling sort of lame, sort of exhausted and out of it. Hey, but, I saw my new psychiatrist (love) on Monday morning, which was good. Although I did walk out of the office with two prescriptions for my Adderall, one for Xanax, a new one for Ambien, and a new one for Prozac.

And, boy, is that a lot of medicine to agonize over.

When I went to the pharmacy, I told the pharmacist I really only needed one of the Adderall prescriptions, because I doubt I'll ever try the Ambien and I rarely rarely (so rarely) take the Xanax. And I felt pretty unsure about the Prozac. However, the doctor wrote all the prescriptions on two sheets (to save the environment, I'm sure, and I love her), so the pharmacist filled them all anyway, which was technically helpful but also humiliating. When I went to pick up the medicine, I was given this Huge Bag o' Pills, that screamed "This woman is so screwed up!" I was so visibly horrified/embarassed that I blurted out something super, super smooth, like, "Ha ha! That sure is a lot of pills! Lots...of...pills, there!" And the pharmacy lady, who was very appropriate and pleasant, said warmly, "Hey, you do what you gotta do to feel better! No big deal!" which I thought was a very nice and neutral way to say "DO NOT FEEL LIKE SUCH A CRAZY," which is probably how I would have worded it.

Oh, hey, I switched pharmacies, too, and they are way nicer, and don't make me feel like a criminal!

The thing is, is that I've been in a bit of a slump lately. And by "bit of a slump lately" I mean "hiding that I've been really really sad for weeks" and also maybe "crying for hours at night and wandering around the house in the dark, sobbing and not sleeping." The new doctor, who listened very well, (and also got really mad when I explained why I didn't like the last doctor) understood my desire to get over the whole Life Changes Depression and Typical Personal Depression Slump without medicine, but we talked about how it can take 6-12 months to feel better (my slumps of depression last about six months, normally, anyway). So she prescribed a low dosage of the Prozac and suggested that I think about taking it for 3-6 months. She said, "Why should you feel like crap in the meantime?" I feel sort of unhappy, about taking more medicine. But I also feel awful, all the time, so, I'm trying it out. I don't like feeling hopeless and gray and unalive, while pretending that things are actually okay. I don't like feeling like I'm drowning, while pretending that I am actually just Super Happy About Jim and Pam.

I simply feel awful. I guess that's all, really.

I dislike talking about when I feel bad. I don't want to be one of those blogs, where I'm all "WOE IS ME I HATE MY LIFE I CAN'T STOP CRYING BLLLERGH" but, also, I know I shouldn't be all Fake Perky, especially to myself. When I am depressed, I do a pretty good job at being Fake Perky for hours at a time, and then I fall apart at the end of the day when there is no one to witness it except the pets and maybe my husband. I get pretty much through a work day, and then spend the evening and night exhausted and panicked. Lots of crying, lots of hyperventilating, lots of hating myself for the whole stupid thing. It's an ugly, exhausting cycle. So, um. Hey! Prozac! Let's see how it goes, I guess. Also, I need to do yoga. And sleep better.

What a happy post!

Maybe we should all go back to the video of our awesome dog, running into a camera.

Oh, and, hey, if everything goes well with two (2) visits on Thursday and Sunday, we might be adopting this guy. Maybe. We'll see. We have to do at least two visits, so the current owners can check us out and our house out and our dog out. He sounds pretty awesome. I haven't told our dog yet, because I don't want to get his weird doggie hopes up. I don't want him to all fall in love, and be mooning about the house for days for no reason, you know? No one likes a mopey, mooning Irish Setter mix.

No one!
black sheeped

15 Comments:

Blogger velocibadgergirl said...

I hope you feel better soon!

Also, yay ADD/ADHD club (I'm on Concerta)!

**HUGS**

6:53 AM, October 03, 2007  
Anonymous Pickles & Dimes said...

I'm so glad your new doctor and pharmacist are so warm and understanding. When you're already feeling bad, the last thing you need is to feel judged by them, you know?

I hope the new meds help. I can totally understand not wanting to take medication, but the pharmacist lady is right: why feel crappy waiting for the lows to pass on their own?

And don't ever worry about your blog being all WOE IS ME. It isn't - ever. Fake Perky is the worst.

Also, that dog? I LOVE his expression in that picture. I hope you get him (for Monk's sake, of course)!

9:11 AM, October 03, 2007  
Blogger R.J. said...

Wow, you guys are really growing that menagerie, aren't you?

10:04 AM, October 03, 2007  
Blogger Erin said...

Hey, I'm no doctor and have very little medical knowledge. BUT, I've had a life-long (horrible, terrible, agonizing) struggle with insomnia. After (no kidding) 17 years of problems sleeping, my doctor prescribed me Trazadone. It's not technically for insomnia (it's for depression), but that is what it is primarily prescribed for. You can, and are supposed to, take it on a more long-term basis than other sleep aids. It has SAVED MY LIFE. Ignore this if it's just a bunch of assvice, but I had to at least pass along my experience.

"Don't want to get his doggy hopes up," hahaha!

10:40 AM, October 03, 2007  
Anonymous Swistle said...

1) I am sorry you are feeling all sad and grey!

2) But I am happy you are talking about it.

3) No one likes fake perky.

4) NO ONE.

5) Also, sad and grey is interesting to read about.

6) Is that wrong? Maybe that's wrong.

7) I think "Hey, you do what you gotta do to feel better! No big deal!" is a great mantra.

10:48 AM, October 03, 2007  
Blogger Shannon said...

Hey, you do what you gotta do to feel better! No big deal!"

I totally agree with this. 100%.

I am typing one handed, so please don't think I am lame.

I love the dog.

11:16 AM, October 03, 2007  
Blogger Siobhan said...

Hello, I'm sorry I haven't been good with commenting lately.

Sometimes I read your entries and think we are the same person or at least SOULMATES.

I don't know how to help, but I hope you are feeling better super soon.

11:30 AM, October 03, 2007  
Blogger Black Sheeped said...

Erin! Hi! I took that for a year, once, for sleepwalking. It stopped my sleepwalking, but gave me killer headaches every.day. I think it's awesome that it's working so well for you--I know it really straightened out my sleeping for a long, long time.

12:34 PM, October 03, 2007  
Blogger Shelly Overlook said...

I am so sorry that you're in such a crappy place emotionally. I get the being fake happy thing and man, is that exhausting!!! I gotta agree with everyone that it doesn't matter how many meds you're on (the only people who know are the Hubs and your nice pharmacist, well, and all of us now), but that you feel more like you soon. All the meds don't have to be forever, either. & if it's any consolation at all, between Black Sheep and the fabulous new Maybe Painted Pink - you may feel crappy but you're bringing happiness to the rest of us.

1:36 PM, October 03, 2007  
Blogger PixelPi said...

I'm so relieved your new doctor knows what's going on and is willing to treat you with what you need. You may not need all those meds, or you may need different ones. She may fine-tune your meds over time until they hit the right combo. If you trust her, then you can trust what she's giving you.

Don't worry about the stigma of walking out of Walgreen's with 15 bottles of pills. Who cares what they think? Do what you need to do to feel better. People who have not been where I am with their 'suck it up' attitude can kiss my....foot.

If you trust and like your new doc, then give the new meds a try and see how it goes. Nothing is permanent, and you two will eventually get the meds worked out.

That new doggie is sure cute. I bet Monk's hopes are already up just from the smells you've been bringing home.

Have a virtual hug, some combo of pills, a snuggle with your dog and a nap. Or anything else that will raise your spirits a bit.

1:43 PM, October 03, 2007  
Blogger Jess said...

What's interesting to read is what's going on in your mind, whether it's perky or sad and gray or somewhere in between. I think you are amazingly honest with us, and I really appreciate that. Also, I'm glad your new psychiatrist and pharmacist are better, and I hope everything works out with the dog!

2:49 PM, October 03, 2007  
Blogger Marie Green said...

Ok, first, that doggie is Very lovable. Very. And what's one more? I feel like it must be the same with pets as it is with children: there's two children/pets and then there's MORE than two. How many more doesn't usually matter...

Also, I'm so glad you found someone better than the last guy. Actually, that probably wasn't hard because EVERYONE is better than the last guy... So I guess I'm saying that I'm glad you connected and loved this new person. Also, it really isn't worth it to feel icky- I agree with her- Life is tooooo short!

And to be honest about low and dark times, that is one of the hardest THE HARDEST things to be honest about. Kudos to you.

Kisses and hugs and bloggy love coming your way. Well? Maybe not kisses? Are we there yet? When "kisses" isn't weird, just affectionate?

3:42 PM, October 03, 2007  
Blogger Banana said...

That dog is so freakin' cute.

7:36 PM, October 03, 2007  
Blogger Tessie said...

Well I love reading sad and grey even though I suck at expressing it too. So I feel you there.

Also, "just super happy about Jim and Pam" is hilarious. HA!

11:25 AM, October 04, 2007  
Blogger Mommy Daisy said...

Big hugs to you. Glad that you're posting about it. It's you...it's your life...it's your blog. Yeah for the new wonderful doctor. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself, then you can see where to go from there when you're feeling better.

Also, the new dog possiblity is adorable! I hope it works out for you.

8:25 PM, October 04, 2007  

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