Hopes

I've been really busy/tired the last few days. Not feeling very write-y, you know? Feeling sort of lame, sort of exhausted and out of it. Hey, but, I saw my new psychiatrist (love) on Monday morning, which was good. Although I did walk out of the office with two prescriptions for my Adderall, one for Xanax, a new one for Ambien, and a new one for Prozac.

And, boy, is that a lot of medicine to agonize over.

When I went to the pharmacy, I told the pharmacist I really only needed one of the Adderall prescriptions, because I doubt I'll ever try the Ambien and I rarely rarely (so rarely) take the Xanax. And I felt pretty unsure about the Prozac. However, the doctor wrote all the prescriptions on two sheets (to save the environment, I'm sure, and I love her), so the pharmacist filled them all anyway, which was technically helpful but also humiliating. When I went to pick up the medicine, I was given this Huge Bag o' Pills, that screamed "This woman is so screwed up!" I was so visibly horrified/embarassed that I blurted out something super, super smooth, like, "Ha ha! That sure is a lot of pills! Lots...of...pills, there!" And the pharmacy lady, who was very appropriate and pleasant, said warmly, "Hey, you do what you gotta do to feel better! No big deal!" which I thought was a very nice and neutral way to say "DO NOT FEEL LIKE SUCH A CRAZY," which is probably how I would have worded it.

Oh, hey, I switched pharmacies, too, and they are way nicer, and don't make me feel like a criminal!

The thing is, is that I've been in a bit of a slump lately. And by "bit of a slump lately" I mean "hiding that I've been really really sad for weeks" and also maybe "crying for hours at night and wandering around the house in the dark, sobbing and not sleeping." The new doctor, who listened very well, (and also got really mad when I explained why I didn't like the last doctor) understood my desire to get over the whole Life Changes Depression and Typical Personal Depression Slump without medicine, but we talked about how it can take 6-12 months to feel better (my slumps of depression last about six months, normally, anyway). So she prescribed a low dosage of the Prozac and suggested that I think about taking it for 3-6 months. She said, "Why should you feel like crap in the meantime?" I feel sort of unhappy, about taking more medicine. But I also feel awful, all the time, so, I'm trying it out. I don't like feeling hopeless and gray and unalive, while pretending that things are actually okay. I don't like feeling like I'm drowning, while pretending that I am actually just Super Happy About Jim and Pam.

I simply feel awful. I guess that's all, really.

I dislike talking about when I feel bad. I don't want to be one of those blogs, where I'm all "WOE IS ME I HATE MY LIFE I CAN'T STOP CRYING BLLLERGH" but, also, I know I shouldn't be all Fake Perky, especially to myself. When I am depressed, I do a pretty good job at being Fake Perky for hours at a time, and then I fall apart at the end of the day when there is no one to witness it except the pets and maybe my husband. I get pretty much through a work day, and then spend the evening and night exhausted and panicked. Lots of crying, lots of hyperventilating, lots of hating myself for the whole stupid thing. It's an ugly, exhausting cycle. So, um. Hey! Prozac! Let's see how it goes, I guess. Also, I need to do yoga. And sleep better.

What a happy post!

Maybe we should all go back to the video of our awesome dog, running into a camera.

Oh, and, hey, if everything goes well with two (2) visits on Thursday and Sunday, we might be adopting this guy. Maybe. We'll see. We have to do at least two visits, so the current owners can check us out and our house out and our dog out. He sounds pretty awesome. I haven't told our dog yet, because I don't want to get his weird doggie hopes up. I don't want him to all fall in love, and be mooning about the house for days for no reason, you know? No one likes a mopey, mooning Irish Setter mix.

No one!
black sheeped