Crash

7:34 a.m.

Yesterday I drove over the mountain to our other store, which is closing soon. After asking yesterday if it was still hot and disgusting in that store, and my boss saying, "Oh NO, everything is fixed and it's really cold now!" I wore a sweatshirt and jeans and warm socks, since I still felt sick and am prone to be cold anyway. Very exciting upon arrival to discover it was around 80 in the store, nothing was fixed, and I got very sticky and gross after a few hours of filling a dumpster with box after box after box of filthy old magazines.

Hooray!

Plus! It was raining and the wind was over 55 mph on the summit, and I thought truckers were going to kill me! They make me a nervous wreck!

Hilariously, my boss referred to yesterday as a "break" for me.

Today the high temp is something like 46, but the winds have settled down to 25-40 mph, with only gusts of 50.

But I like howling winds.

I'm starting to wonder how the weather will be for the w-e-d-d-i-n-g. T-e-n d-a-y-s.

Although I had been craving some alone time, the drive to and from did not provide me with good peaceful thoughts. Rather, I felt the need to escape from myself (which is hard to do in the barren Wyoming landscape). Sometimes I'd switch on the radio, and find myself getting into a huge stupid rage over something the DJ said. For instance, I found myself actually yelling when he was talking about that old study (that's been beat to death) that shows most women prefer chocolate over sex, because it consistently satisfies. At the end of the story the DJ said, "Oh yeah? I have a word for those women. FAT." I will here censor my shouted (filthy) reply.
Then, I found myself bewildered as to why I am so rage-y. And why I lately have to rail mentally against everything. I've felt very argumentative and angry. The stress of the near future still being so unclear is popping up in unexpected ways, and it only got worse.

Last night I was supposed to have drinks with a friend, who I really want to have drinks with, and some girl time and some marathon talking. She is sweet and always chatty, and she likes beer. I came home from work a bit early (because after arriving back to our store and unloading my car, I announced that I was gross and hadn't been able to eat lunch and wanted to go home), made dinner, ate, and then proceeded to lose my mind. Justin had had a stressful day too, and in a few sentences we announced that we're sort of, you know, nervous. About this whole not knowing where we're moving/what's going to happen thing. Everything, after weeks of feeling very calm, came crashing down like the proverbial glass ceiling. (Is there a proverbial glass ceiling that crashes? If not, there should be. Or at least some sort of large proverbial falling-and-smashing chandelier. COME ON, PROVERBS.) (Maybe I should have used some calm-before-the-storm analogy. But I like the sound of breaking glass much more, don't you?)

I panicked entirely and would start to cry, then would get angry with myself and try to mop up my face so I could go meet my friend, then start to cry again, then I'd be all "COME ON KARA GET IT TOGETHER." Like I was some sort of coach. But I couldn't get it together. I felt like I was spinning out of control. Finally, five minutes after I was supposed to meet her, I got my voice under control (sort of) and called and blubbered a bit and said it wasn't going to work because my brain had decided that now was the time to FREAK OUT about EVERYTHING and I was sorry I was such a shithead and I just needed to take a Xanax and go to bed, blah blah blah. I think she wasn't disgusted with me, because a) she is super nice and understanding, and b) I knew her man was there, so she wasn't all-alone-stood-up.

So I went and sat with a cat in my grandma's arm chair, and had myself a good old fashioned sobfest/panic attack, and took a Xanax, and Justin hugged me and we showered and then watched a cartoon movie he rented for me on Netflix. Then I pulled a quilt out of the dryer and cozied up in the warmth (which is like crack, you guys), and the wind was howling and I fell asleep. I think it was good to get that out of my system, because the last few days I've been all misconstruing like crazy and railing and sensitive and on the verge of panicking/crying constantly. Even at work yesterday afternoon, I found myself about to sob because the other store manager kept saying she didn't have enough for me to do (my trip over was not planned, apparently), so I could leave. And my manager would call and say "No, no, she needs to stay there!" and I got all mentally dramatic and thought "NO ONE WANTS ME."

You see what mental place I was at yesterday. Everything seemed big and ugly and like it was too much.

But!

I think I released some tension with the crying and the trouble breathing. And now I can continue to be okay.

I think I'll drink a lot of detox tea, today, too, and tell myself it will release lingering bad things. Which is good, because I'm gonna be all pms-y the next few days. I stopped the pill so I can have my period in three days. I've discovered on the pill I now have the two first weeks without heavy bleeding. Which is great, to go from a five week period to just like, a two week lighter one or whatever. Oh, five week period. What good times.

I don't miss you, though, you son of a bitch.

Mmmm.

Detox-y.

Love,
black sheeped