Saw

6:58 a.m.

1. So, I've been doing stupid things lately. (BIG SURPRISE.) Like, for instance, dropping my camera battery charger in a big bowl of watercolor brush water. (It was black.) (I was shocked that it didn't work, even after I let it dry out for a few days.) (I am dumb.)

Last night we returned from the grocery store with fresh flowers to replace the old ones on the kitchen table. We read somewhere it makes the house look cheerful. Not dead ones, however. I always trim off the bottom of the stems so they can drink more easily. Scissors weren't in sight (they were probably six inches away in a DRAWER, which was obviously TOO MUCH WORK) so I grabbed a dull, serrated knife that was sitting around and started hacking away. Or sawing, rather.

Here is the illustration I made just for you:


















Please note the knife's pointy teeth and angry eyebrows. That totally happened.

So, yes! I sawed through my fingernail and into the skin below! I, of course, cried, mostly because I was disgusted that I had cut myself AGAIN. Also, I laughed. I'm not so bright, with sharp objects. I cut myself at work almost every day, and almost every time I cook. This is a big painful one, though. It still throbs. When Justin came inside, he confirmed my fears that I will probably lose at least half my nail. We laughed again.

Conveniently, this is on my left hand, and yesterday marked one month before the wedding (one month!). I can't wait until I show people my rings and they can see my disgusting rotting-off-nail injury. Too bad I can't lie and say it was caused when I was doing something cool. Like pirate fighting, or saving a baby. Nope! Sawing off flower stems!

2. Speaking of Doritos, Justin and I were really excited to try the new flavor of Doritos that comes in a black bag with no flavor listed. X-1530 or something, I don't know. Possibly it was a highlight of Tuesday night. When we opened the bag, I was relieved to see they looked like the old school nacho ones. We sat down together, clinked, uh, Doritos, and each popped one into our mouths at the same time. Then we saw each other each make a face of pure disgust. "What IS that?" he asked, recoiling. "It's BURGER flavored, with pickle and MUSTARD." "You're RIGHT. OH NO."

Justin and I both hate mustard, and Justin hates pickles more than I hate sawing into my own body parts. Disgusting.

So the dog ate a few, and um.

That was the end of the mystery Doritos.

3. The fat cat occasionally expresses his displeasure at the food change by scaring away our 80 pound dog and munching defiantly on dry dog food.

4. The Adderall has completely fucked with my taste buds. I've lost somewhere around 12 pounds so far, because a) I'm never hungry now and b) nothing ever sounds/tastes good. The flavors that taste particularly bad to me are potatoes, most meats, garlic, water, almost all beverages (and I am always thirsty), and some dairy items. I've found the only things that taste good to me are: cake, chocolate cereal, chocolate, Wild White Nacho Doritos, very sweet tea, and root beer.

Well!

I should call a doctor and let him/her know I've finally found the key to perfectly balanced nutrition! It all lies in the root beer and cake combination!

Twelve pounds on root beer.

THIS won't come back to kick me in the ass.

Love,
black sheeped