baa baa black sheep

1.02.2008

New

250th post on this blog. Is that worth something? A fanfare?

Trophy?

Basket of kittens?

No?

In other news, we survived the holidays. The last week or two has (have) been full. Two Christmases (or three if you count the one we had here, on Christmas day), 21 hours of driving, ice storms, busy work schedules, general emotional chaos. We spent the last hour of the year home, alone with our pets, and it was pretty darn good. I went back to work today, I think J is sick, I'm getting evaluted tomorrow, and I really don't want to deal with the pathetically tired Christmas tree.

I feel a huge sense of relief that 2007 is over. Finally over. I feel a bit befuddled by how stressful it was, and now we are here, in the Midwest again. Surrounded by pets and elderly lady neighbors in a dead man's house, a man who moved in over fifty years ago when the house was built.

I'm immersed in a new profession, my husband is finished with school and also professionally immersed. The house in Wyoming still has not sold, my little sister is getting married, my twin brother is going to be a father come May. J's oldest sister got married, his other sister's seven year relationship has ended, his parents are dealing with family estates because of the passing on/aging of their parents. I had weird uterus issues. J and I got married. We went to Hawaii. We went to L.A. We went to Sheridan, Wyoming. We said goodbye to Wyoming. We were both bitten by a basset hound. I got more gray hair. My father had a heart incident and I'm worried he's not going to quit smoking. Another's mother died of lung cancer a few weeks ago and I don't think he's going to quit smoking. J's oldest sister needs to quit smoking. I learned a few days ago that my mother, who had breast cancer a while back, is getting some new growths checked out in a few weeks.

This was a year when my worrying grew bigger, and the worries stopped being vague and nameless. Instead, much of my anxiety sprouted labels and faces. I worried about the wedding, worried about J's thesis, worried when I was strangely fired, I worried about moving, worried about jobs, worried about money, worried about finding a home, worried about family members, worried about many people I love.

I said goodbye to a lot of people, and but have so many new names and faces to learn. And some of my goodbyes were not really goodbyes, which is always nice to remember.

I got way worse at telephone communication, and added a dog to our family.

I didn't read as much as I wanted to, and I didn't paint as much as I should have.

I think 2007 was a year of learning things about myself, and sometimes a year of bravery. I got in touch with a counseling center, and then made the decision to see a psychiatrist again. I was diagnosed with ADD for the first time and the medication has changed my life. I decided, when I was feeling scared and knew I was depressed, that it was okay to try antidepressants again. I learned that I can trust myself a bit more, and I re-learned that it is okay to ask for help. I learned that discussing symptoms of other disorders, that I have always been afraid to discuss with psychiatrists, will not automatically reserve a straight jacket in my name. I'm still struggling, but I'm struggling with help from others and I'm struggling toward something positive. I'm less crazy now.

I think I also, finally, learned to accept my body and appearance for what they are. Being a healthy, happy, attractive person does not involve guilt, hatred of my body, and feeling ugly. I feel neutral most days now, about my body, and some days I even feel good. It's nice not to worry about it constantly. It's nice to get dressed in the morning without spending 30 extra minutes changing clothes and agonizing over whether or not my thighs look too thick. I'm okay with my hips.

So those things were good.

Also, I married the best man in the whole world.

Sometimes I think our years are in cycles, that we have some bad years and then we have some good years. I feel as if I am coming out of a cycle, that my pattern is going to change. I desperately hope that everyone's pattern is going to change, because everything everywhere seems so terrible and filthy and clouded. I hope a good cycle is starting, I hope things will change for the better. I'm carrying around that hope, but I sometimes feel suspicious that I am just being a crazy hippie and nothing will change for the better for any of us. Sometimes I'm suspicious that I'm right, and the cycle is going to change, but it will be even worse.

But I'm carrying around a hope that the first option is right.

Happy New Year,
black sheeped

6 Comments:

Blogger Whimsy said...

Hello - it seems weird to be the first one to post, and also be a newbie to your blog (came over via Tessie), especially on such a personal entry. With that said (and I'm sure you know this next part) - you're not alone.

Sarah Ban Breathnach said, "There are years that ask questions, and years that answer." I return to that quote at least once annually because I think it's true. And so many times I'm trying to find out which of my years are doing the asking, and which of them (if any) have the answers I'm looking for. So far I've decided that the questions and the answers are never as clear as we'd like them to be, and the questions themselves can be really troublesome. In all the best ways. Trouble and pain and struggle will always force us to change and/or grow. I wouldn't want it any other way, though I'm all FOR having a GREAT year that is, ahem, VERY TROUBLE FREE.

Here's to some clouds parting in '08. Thank you for sharing your story. I really enjoy your blog.

7:28 PM, January 02, 2008  
Blogger Jess said...

I think you're right about the cycles, like cicadas, which can definitely be good when you're coming off a bad year, but can make me a little hesitant to fully appreciate good years when they happen, because you're waiting for the other shoe to drop and the low point of the cycle to arrive.

Still, I hope that the good part of your cycle comes soon, and I'm glad that you have learned so many good things this year, and that you are able to find the good parts of what has been a challenging year.

8:05 PM, January 02, 2008  
Blogger Shelly Overlook said...

Here's to a happy 2008 for you and your lovely little family!

8:50 PM, January 02, 2008  
Blogger Artemisia said...

Here's to hope.

Happy New Year, my dear. Love you.

11:06 AM, January 03, 2008  
Blogger Banana said...

I present you with a basket of kittens! They may grow up to be obese and sit on your face in the middle of the night, but you will love them anyhow.

Also, here is to optimism - may 2008 bring hope and better things for humanity than the last 5 or so years.

1:28 PM, January 03, 2008  
Blogger Pickles & Dimes said...

I vote for baskets of kittens!

I don't know why, but personally, I have high hopes for 2008. I hope I'm not disappointed.

I hope you guys have a great 2008!

3:54 PM, January 03, 2008  

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