baa baa black sheep

1.07.2008

Three

1.

Dear uterus,

After several months of behaving, thank you for bringing back the mid-cycle period. I really appreciate DAY FOURTEEN menstruation. Thank goodness you had the generosity and thoughtfulness to bring that back, because I was too embarrassed to ask.

I hate you,
black sheeped

2.

Dear everyone,

I think my husband has trained the cat to throw up in the utility room. Is that possible? Tonight she was laying on the couch, snoozing, when suddenly she started to hork. Instead of projectile vomiting all over a) the couch and b) me, she galloped off to the utility room and did her throw up business where she does her pottying business. Is this weird? Or wonderful? Or just her trying to trick me, because this is the cat who, just a few months ago, puked into J's new shoes? She's just trying to lull us into a false sense of security, before she barfs in some more shoes. Or in my new (Target clearance) purse that I love beyond all reason. She can be all, "Surprise!"

"Surprise!"
black sheeped

3.

Dear 80-pound dogs,

The baby bunny that lives under the shed is not out to murder you. Also, it is not necessary drink gallons of water as if it is a RACE, because this invariably leads to you throwing up water. And your aim is not as good as the cat's. IT IS NOT A RACE. IT IS NOT A COMPETITION.

I promise,
black sheeped

PS. I can hear the water sloshing in your stomach when you walk past me, and that is unacceptable. And disgusting.

6 Comments:

Blogger Constance said...

HA HA HA! Three HAs for three very funnies.

8:02 AM, January 08, 2008  
Blogger Jess said...

That is just icky. Water sloshing in their stomachs? Really?

However, I'm very impressed with the cat. And very unimpressed with your uterus.

8:46 AM, January 08, 2008  
Blogger Pickles & Dimes said...

Ewwwww on the water sloshing! And suck it, uterus!

I say you take the cat's barfing in the utility room as an apology for all her past vomiting sins. Abby will go out of her way to puke on our carpet, whereas Sunny will thoughtfully hop off my lap to go hork on the carpet, but she's so extra nice, she always swallows her puke before it hits the carpet. I don't know how she does it or if it's even healthy for her to do that, but we are thankful nonetheless.

8:56 AM, January 08, 2008  
Blogger Artemisia said...

Your house is never, ever dull, no?

I am sorry your uterus is being such a bitch.

11:10 AM, January 08, 2008  
Blogger Shelly Overlook said...

Your cat is definitely lulling you into a false sense of security so she can better torture you just when you thought it was safe.

What is it with dogs having to drink like that? Then the slobber trails leading from their mouths when they're finally done make rivers across the kitchen floor. Euw!

12:53 PM, January 08, 2008  
Blogger velocibadgergirl said...

Your dogs make me laugh a lot, even though I am also slightly horrified.

Your cat? That's amazing. My cat drank too much cereal milk the other day and walked around horking up little puddles all over the place, only once hitting linoleum instead of carpet. Not so impressive!

Your uterus is lucky you can't take it behind the shed for a good asskicking, I'd wager.

7:32 PM, January 08, 2008  

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