Mend

Last night I had one of those nights when I realized it would be easier to reorganize all the kitchen cabinets, and also a closet, and also a lot of drawers, than to try to deal with them one. more. day. So I did. And things are still chaotic, but I don't want to sob when I open a cabinet to get out a glass anymore.

I'm feeling very tired, and very bewildered by where the time is going. I felt much happier after I got some painting done on Saturday, and getting my Etsy shop up and going again was a huge relief to me. I felt like less of a slacker, which is nice. Days are rushing by, and each time I finish something I feel as if it is a special accomplishment, because time slips through my fingers. Hours are oily and I can't cling to them.

I saw my psychiatrist on Monday, which was brief and uneventful. Most of the visit was spent with her laughing at my story about Cab throwing up watermelon tootsie roll wrappers, and then she re-prescribed all my medications and sent me, still chuckling, on my merry way. I don't have to go back until after Christmas, and I think she could tell I was doing better. And I am doing better. I've been reluctant to talk about it much, because whenever I write about this stuff I feel like I need to be all thoughtful and eloquent. And I haven't had much time to be either, it seems, and so instead I write about the dogs and...yeah, mostly just about the dogs.

But it's true. I am feeling better. I think the Prozac is starting to really help me, a lot, and the Adderall dosage seems to finally be correct. I rarely take the Xanax now, because I don't feel panicked often now. ( I'm not taking the sleeping meds because I never have eight or nine whole hours to sleep. If I did, I might take them, and I might sleep beautifully. But as it is, I usually have 5 or 6 hours to sleep, and that is just enough sleep to be really screwed up the next day if I've taken a sleeping med the night before. So I haven't been, but I'm sleeping better when I do sleep. )

I'm pretty much in love with the Prozac. It has (for me) fewer side effects than any other antidepressant that I've taken. The yawning was the major one, and that seems to slowly be tapering off. Things are less overwhelming, and more than once in the last few days I've actually felt happy and/or relaxed. Saturday night, while carving the pumpkin with my husband, I laughed and laughed and laughed until my eyes were watering. I can't remember the last time I really laughed, for real, like that. I feel more capable. I'm more interested in painting. I make to-do lists and check things off of them. I'm not crying much at all anymore, and the panic attacks have subsided.

The biggest thing I've noticed is that I feel much better about myself. I don't feel as stupid, or as guilty, or as ugly. This means I am not super afraid to try new things at work. This means I get up and shower and put on make up and fix my hair and wear earrings and heels and remember to reapply my lip gloss through out the day (as opposed to me being a wreck and forgetting to wash my hair). This means things don't phase me as I learn my new job, and that I'm not worrying constantly if I fit in or if they like me. It means I can focus on learning things. When I started taking the Prozac, I was worried about the typical loss-of-sexual-desire side effect, since when I'm depressed I don't really feel very touchy anyway. I was worried about weight gain, because I know antidepressants can make you crave carbs (Halloween candy, anyone?) like crazy. This has not been the case--I feel more in control of my body, and I have not gained weight. I'm noticing that as I feel healthier mentally, I feel healthier physically. And also, I feel healthier sexually. Feeling good about myself only does good things for our relationship, and lately I feel that J and I have been truly reconnecting after the crazy summer and the darkness of my depression. Depression is hard for loved ones to witness, and he's had to see me at my worst. He's my best friend, and has been there for me through all this, patient and supportive, and I have this wild feeling of falling in love with him all over again. The reconnection has been amazing.

I don't mean that things are suddenly perfect, because they are not. I still have down times. I still have moments and sometimes hours of feeling awful, just truly awful, about everything. I still have moments where I want to smash something against a wall, or claw my skin off. I will look up suddenly at a train passing by my office window, and I will hear my inner self screaming over and over, "WHERE AM I? WHERE AM I? WHERE AM I?" But these moments are passing, and happen less and less. The feelings of hope and confidence are starting to overcome the feelings of anxiety and sadness. I'm feeling like myself again. I'm feeling excited about things again. I get giddy, I look forward to things, and I feel my lows as more normal, less plummeting into utter despair. I think J can tell I'm turning into myself again. He seems relieved that I am getting excited again. That is how I am meant to be: excited. I am, at my best, an excitable, humor-loving story teller. And this is what I am becoming again.

I feel like myself. I haven't felt like this in ages.

Aaaages.

So things are very very busy, but they are getting better. Things are progressing as they should. It's a relief, and I'm happy for myself, and for the people around me.

I think I'm going to take a little blogging break, maybe for two or three or four or five days, maybe less. I've felt a bit overextended by home responsibilities lately, and by my job, and by training a new (very very bad) dog. I like blogging to be fun--why blog if it isn't fun? I've felt so busy and overwhelmed, that I haven't had time to read blogs much lately, let alone comment or catch up with people. I hate that people read and comment on my stuff, when I don't have time to do the same for them. My google reader screams at me, when I get brave enough to see how behind I am. I don't want blogging to feel like a chore, and I certainly don't want to feel guilty about it. It's supposed to be FUN, because it is AWESOME. I think I want to regroup, a bit, take a little break and not feel bad about it. So I'll do a Friday thing tomorrow, because the quizzes ARE fun, and then next week I'll just take a brief blogging break. Maybe that'll give me time to catch up on everyone else, and/or catch up on some of the disorganization in my email inboxes and in our closets and in our yard.

Etc!

Love,
black sheeped