Plan

I feel so tired today. It's pretty cool outside, supposed to snow or sleet again, I may or may not have out of town meetings, the car is super frosted over, my husband is sick, my husband is in the middle of end of semester annoyingness, I've been sick, I have a monster pimple emerging, PMS is kicking my ass this month, we're behind on Christmas shopping, my laptop cords have been lasting roughly 2-3 months, Cab was carrying around my favorite bra this morning, Cab destroyed the box of ornament boxes/wrappings that we really really really really thought we had out of his reach, Cab ate a hole in one of my boots, that I really really really thought he couldn't get to, I don't feel Christmasy, I miss some people, Monk has been throwing up, we never get enough sleep, I work my first Saturday this weekend and feel woefully under-prepared, I've had a headache for two weeks straight, etc.

(I love listing my woes, and looking at them, and realizing they are really No Big Deal, and that I am Such a Big Baby.)

I had a few days where I felt very very good, and now I am back to feeling very very low. I'd been crying again, a little, last night something tiny set me off and I went upstairs and sobbed, hard, for several minutes. I feel on edge; I feel frustrated; I feel gross. I feel I'd like to be in bed, but I feel that that would also drive me insane. I'm chalking it up to PMS, the holiday season, stress, and my ever struggling brain. I think the worst part of depression, at least how I experience it, is that when I am in a low period I take everything personally. My husband can be stressed out from something at his job, and I assume I've done something wrong to anger him. Someone at work might have a mistake they are dealing with, and I assume it was somehow my fault. The cat throws up a hairball, and I feel bad about it because I adopted her 2.5 years ago, so it is my fault. After work last night I went and got photos printed to put in some Christmas cards, and bought a crate because it is time to crate train the destroying machine Cab, and didn't get home until almost seven because the store was clogged, service was agonizingly slow, and I had to wait in several lines. When I got home, my husband had made dinner and did the dishes. As I was later than I expected he was worried that dinner was cold, and I felt as if I would explode into a million pieces because I felt so irresponsible and guilty.

I think that is the worst thing I deal with. I can take the sadness, the anger, the overwhelmed feelings, even the wanting to hurt myself feelings. But the constantly feeling as if I am screwing up everything and that I am angering those I care about? It's horrible, and I hate it, and I'm sure it drives the people in my life crazy. I know it does--I know it, and I try to stop, and I do better for a while.

And then, like last night, I hit rock bottom and it starts all over again.

So here we go again, it is Thursday morning and there are three more days to my work week, and I will start Cab's crate training in 30 seconds. I will put on my coat and scarf and gloves and hat. The cold will fill my lungs, and I will scrape the car while my nose runs. I will drive to work and listen to the radio station that plays Christmas music, and I will work hard all day, I'll take all my pills and drink tea and then I will come home and cook chicken and potatoes, and maybe work on Christmas cards, and if my laptop cord comes I will do blog stuff. I will do some laundry and take out dogs, each time with cold air hurting my throat, and hope that I won't cry for no good reason, that I won't lose it, that my husband and I will have a good night and watch some cartoons and go to bed at a reasonable hour.

First, I think I will put on my brown boots. They are the sturdiest.

Love,
black sheeped